AHA Process: A new way to resolve relationship conflicts

Individuals in their 20s are increasingly citing fear of intimacy, defined by Carol J. Descutner and Mark H. Thelen in 1991 as “the inhibited capacity of an individual, because of anxiety to exchange thoughts and feelings of personal significance with another individual who is highly valued,” as the primary reason to why they are not in a relationship. This causes many couples to become stresses and argue, or have troubled relationship.

This Valentine’s Day, we bring you the solution to your conflicts: The AHA Process. Established by Ken Page, LCSW, psychotherapist, author of “Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy” and host of “The Deeper Dating” podcast, when asked about love and fear of intimacy, the AHA process is a three-step process aimed at fixing issues between you and your partner.

Speaking to the internationally renowned relationship expert, he explains that the first step in the three-step process is awareness. This is the step during which you become aware of your feelings and comprehend them.

“Instead of stepping over your feelings and just saying I am too sensitive or that I should not be hurt by this, you actually take the time and you listen. You also do the same thing with joyful things because you are going to have wonderful moments with your partner and instead stepping away quickly because you have grocery shopping to do, you take an extra minute to express appreciation. Whatever it is that you are feeling, the first step is that you do not run from it; you take time to become aware of it,” Pages says to Egypt Today.

The second step is when you honor what you are feeling, according to the relationship expert. The trick here is to assume that whatever you are feeling is justified and that there is a reason behind it, instead of just pushing it aside.

“If you are hurt by something, instead of just pushing it aside, you ask yourself, why am I feeling this hurt. If there is something that you feel that you need, instead of just condemning yourself for it, you need to ask yourself, why does it make sense that I need this. You need to start by honouring anything that you are feeling, whatever it is. Now, you do not know if it is true or not when you are making assumptions about your partner; feelings are not facts, but they do not go away because of rational thought,” he says.

The third step is to take action with kindness and understanding. “You need to ask for what you need,” Page explains, continuing, “Too many relationships fail because we are too afraid to ask for what we need in a kind and understanding way. So many arguments can be fixed by just asking for what you really want from the heart. But we do not know how to ask and so we either silence ourselves or we blame our partner. The act of asking is actually an act of heeling; when we ask, we start to dialogue with our partner.”

“Now, all those steps you need to do with partner as well: You need to gain awareness of what it is that they are feeling; you need to take the time to honour what they are feeling, even if it does not make sense to you; you need to take the time to take action and that means both of you sitting down and sharing from the heart what your feelings are and what your needs are.”

By using these three steps over and over again, you can resolve relationship conflicts without them leaving big ruptures.