Since we were children, we have been taught to be present for those around us, to take care of them, and to be thoughtful of what they’re going through. When seeing the people we love, whether friends, family, partners, or coworkers suffer, we jump to the rescue, offering advice, searching for ways to make them feel better and even taking it upon ourselves to fix their problems. While this is all good and valid, sometimes the line between “offering help to fix a problem” and “fixing someone” gets blurry. We get too invested and feel obligated to be the knight in shining armor, here to fix everything and everyone, ending generational traumas, confidences, or body issues in one fell swoop. We transform ourselves from Clark Kent to Superman, the invincible person who is the savior of the broken and the beaten, entering the hero phase unfazed and yet unfamiliar with the person’s struggles.
What We Don’t Know or Seem to Comprehend Are:
1) we don’t know the half of it when it comes to someone’s personal or professional struggles.
2) we fail to measure how this type of effort can take a mental toll on us and can lead to physical exhaustion.
3) we end up feeling complicit or as a failure when all solutions and answers made don’t come to fruition.
This is where the hot take and the hard truth must be revealed, IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX SOMEONE.
Before jumping the gun and assuming that by not taking the mantle and fixing someone, it means that we should abandon them and they are a lost cause. Let me explain by stating that there are things we cannot control and don’t have the capacity or knowledge to handle, that includes fixing people.3
With all due respect to Coldplay’s hit song Fix You, you are not equipped or required to enter someone’s life and decide to be the hero they want because simply it’s not your job
Here are a couple of reasons why it’s not your duty to fix someone
1- You Don’t Have the Credentials or the Experience.
If we are being honest here, you might not have the capacity to heal someone from what they are going through. Even therapists’ and psychiatrists' jobs involve active listening and helping (emphasis on the word helping) their patients identify the problem they’re facing in hopes that THEY fix it themselves and get out from the dark place.
As a normal person who doesn’t have a degree in psychology or practicing medicine, there are certain skills required to be able to listen to people’s problems and help them solve them. Of course, there’s no harm in listening to your friend’s or family’s problems, but to take it upon yourself to fix the root of the problem isn’t your task.
2- You Are Also in Need of Fixing Yourself
If you’re too busy and too involved in your quest to fix as many broken people as you encounter, what about you?
Why do you ignore your physical and mental health that needs improvement? Do you feel like your problems are insignificant compared to those around you so you decided to downplay it and push it aside? Just because the person you know is in more pain than you doesn’t mean that you are not hurt as well, even if they have deep cuts, your small wound needs healing too.
3- The Healing Journey Always Starts With Them
Anyone’s journey to healing and improvement begins and ends with them. They are the ones who get to have their eureka moment when the bulb above their heads starts to light up and decide that enough is enough. It may take days, weeks, or even decades, doesn’t matter, their moment will happen when they make the decision to fix themselves.
With all that being said, kudos to you for being a true friend, family member, and partner who saw a wounded person in dire need of help and decided to be there for them. What they need is a shoulder to cry on, a person who’s willing to listen, not judge them, and just point in the right direction. You already are saving them from dark thoughts and bad decisions by simply being caring and genuine, it’s up to them to take these feelings of kindness, caring, compassion, and safety as a starting point to the journey of healing. And remember that not all of the things are within your control, so it’s ok, just do your best and don’t blame yourself.
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