It was all nice dates, sweet talks, and fun times, you seemed to hit it off, then whoosh, gone! Totally disappeared, just like a ghost, and that is why we call it ‘ghosting’ Out of nowhere, just like that, they stop calling, texting, returning your calls, or replying back to your texts. You feel confused, unable to understand, and then it gets so hurtful. Ghosting can be even more hurtful and heartbreaking than breakups, simply because unlike breakups you get caught off guard, you get no closures, no confrontation, nothing.
But why do people ghost?
People who ghost others are either:
1. Conflict avoidant: they hate confrontations, big talks, arguments, and the consequences they carry.
2. Uncertain: They keep disappearing and coming back and forth after a long time because they want to keep doors open, why? Because they don’t want to regret it later, because they are not sure whether they really want you or not.
3. Mean or indifferent: People’s feelings are the least of their concerns, they just seek to end things on their own terms and the way they find.
How many days of no contact is considered ghosting?
First, it depends on your communication pattern. If it is their normal behavior to go off the grid or take too long before they get back in contact, then you may need more patience to decide. But if a person is in constant contact and suddenly stops replying or returning your calls and messages, then this uncharacteristic behavior should be alarming.
To sum it up, it’s been more than a week of disappearing, you tried to check-in, you’ve been ignored on all means of communication and social media platforms, here’s your answer. You’ve been ghosted.
Why does ghosting hurt so much?
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First there’s the denial phase, you try to find excuses while your mind is torn between endless possibilities. You keep wondering are they ok? Is their family ok? Maybe they’re too busy with work? But why is it taking too long to call back?
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When you begin to realize they are intentionally avoiding you, feelings of embarrassment and disrespect start to hit. You doubt and blame yourself, recall every wrong thing you might have possibly done, you begin to question yourself, then your self-esteem gets a bit shaky.
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As a result, a wave of different emotions starts to erupt; between sadness, confusion, agitation, anger, and loneliness. You become desperate for a conversation, explanation, and closure.
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In the middle of all this mess, you feel lost and don’t know how to respond.
How to respond to ghosting?
1. First things first, stop deluding yourself. Excuse the bluntness, but let’s call a spade a spade. No, they didn’t get hit by a bus, a family member is not sick, and none of the justifications you have in mind is true is except that you’ve been ghosted. Accept this reality so that you respond wisely.
2. Don’t chase. The number of calls or texts you chase them with won’t fix the situation, on the contrary, you’ll lose face and you risk getting yourself embarrassed again and again. No one is too busy to return the call for weeks and months, they simply did it on purpose.
3. Don’t rant on social media either. If someone ghosts you rest assured they don’t want anything to do with you, nor in real life or social media. By then, they have probably either removed or muted you on social media. So no, your angry ranting post won’t reach them, and you better not want it to, because you don’t want them to know how deeply that got under your skin.
4. Use the same tactic.The best response to ghosting is nothing. Silence. Ignoring. As if you didn’t even notice their absence or noticed it but don’t really care. A little confusion here in return of the confusion they inflicted on you.
5. If they call back, don’t just rush answering. Pause, think what exactly you want to say, or think if it even makes any sense to have a conversation with someone who didn’t have the courtesy to end things respectfully. Honor yourself, make it clear they can’t just act as if nothing happened with a click of a button.
6. Feel all the sadness and pain then let go. Don’t dwell too long on those feelings, and rid yourself of any blame. Whatever you did, ghosting is unjustified. Don’t feel ashamed of yourself, if anyone should feel ashamed, it’s the person ghosting for doing such a cowardly act. Let go, move on, and don’t let the ugly experience of ghosting shut you off from dating altogether.
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