DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER, is a true statement, simply because they’re the hardest substance on earth and are virtually impossible to destroy. A traditional favorite for the shabka or wedding ring, diamonds are given as a gift from the groom to the bride as a token of his love. Yet the process of buying the diamond has proven the most difficult test in any couple’s relationship leading up to the big day.

With practically every member of the two soon-to-be-united families involved in the decision-making of the process, love is the first thing to fly out the window because relationships are apparently much easier to break than diamonds. Any wrong move can easily be interpreted as ill-intended, often sparking a string of gossipy comments on the other family’s ‘greed,’ ‘pretentious nature’ or ‘lack of appreciation.’ The families’ interaction during this period permanently affects their union in the future and, for some couples, the diamond can even signal the death knell for the relationship.

Usually, the decision to cancel the wedding is made at the jewelry store or as soon as the families walk out the door. Of course, if this happens, there must have been differences that would have led to the same result sooner or later. (The couple’s fairytale love story is irrelevant here, because at this point it’s all about the decision-makers in each family or, in other words, those pulling the purse strings.) A disagreement over the shabka is a straw heavy enough to break a marriage.

Ever since Archduke Maximilian of Austria became the first man to propose with a diamond ring (Mary of Burgundy was the lucky bride, back in 1477), customs and traditions have carved in stone an unspoken set of rules to shabka buying. Follow these steps if you want to get out of it safely, but tread very, very softly.

Most people know a thing or two about the unspoken manual, derived from first- or secondhand experiences. But what most people seem to miss is that rules change from one situation to the other. They ignore the fact that what applied to their cousins or friends doesn’t necessarily apply to their own situation. Thus the most fatal mistake is comparison.

In many instances, the first thing a mother will talk about is the older sister’s expensive wedding ring. The three-carat stone, the famous jeweler and of course the presents the groom’s parents got for the bride. But it should never be forgotten that the groom’s family wants to minimize expenses as much as possible because they’ve still got to pay for the mahr (dowry), the wedding and maybe even the furniture.

Your best bet is the ‘classy way’; refraining from any discussions involving money. This reflects mutual respect and understanding of each family’s financial and social status. But beware that if this understanding is superficial or incomplete, it could do more harm than good. For example, if a man buys a LE 20,000 shabka for a woman expecting a LE 40,000 diamond ring, calling off the wedding wouldn’t be a surprise.

Developing an understanding of each family’s financial status and expectations is key, even when the families decide to discuss other expenses. For the bride and her family, their financial status and their estimation (or overestimation as often is the case) of the future husband’s wealth form their expectations of what he will offer. For the groom and his family, their estimation of the bride’s financial status and the amount they are willing to allocate to the marriage create the thin line between what may be the appropriate amount of money and what may be considered extravagant.

Even if in-laws’ estimations are spot-on, doesn’t mean they’ll pass the second test: deciding on the jeweler. If mistrustful is the way to describe the relationship between the two families, then most probably all arguments about where to buy the shabka will be the way to express it. Sometimes, a family thinks that the other is planning on a crooked deal with a certain jeweler (some

thing that signals a shaky marriage and an unstable interaction in the future).

Ultimately what matters most for both sides is to find a reputable jeweler you can trust; regardless of his affiliation to either family. Because, no matter how much the average person knows about diamonds and jewelry or how many diamond-related technical terms he/she can use in a conversation, in the end most people can’t even tell the difference between diamonds and cubic zirconias.

The safest way is to go to the family jeweler. If each of the families has been dealing with a certain jeweler for a number of years, then the groom’s should be favored. If neither of the families knows a trustworthy jeweler, then it should also be the man’s choice. After all, although it is the bride’s indisputable right to choose the ring, the shabka is ultimately his present.

Play it safe and discuss options. Before settling on a jeweler people often visit different stores, compare prices and ask about reputable dealers on the market.

This is usually where the nightmare begins. In nine cases out of 10, if any of the families are not pleased by the sum allocated to the shabka, it is at the jewelry store that they express their discontent. Snide comments and constant eye-rolling signal a storm ahead.

Now any experienced jeweler knows how to keep the situation under control, but the couple have to do their best to minimize the possibility of trouble. A prior visit to the store before the actual buying process helps prevent many problems. Whether it is the groom’s or the bride’s, the family making the first visit will tell the jeweler about their price range and make sure that nothing costing more than what is agreed on appears during the second, formal visit. Most problems occur not because the woman drooled over the ring that holds double the agreed-upon price, but rather due to differences over LE 1,000 or LE 2,000. The sticky situation is further compounded when the girl’s father decides to secretly chip in the cost to make sure his daughter gets an extra sparkle on her finger. Informing the man and/or his family of these plans and discussing them is always better.

To avoid the hassle, it’s best that the couple make the first visit together without their families and choose the shabka. They agree with the jeweler to show the ring among a collection of others when the two families come for the actual purchase. This prevents the many arguments about taste and price that will surely erupt between the 10 or so family members attending the event. Putting a limit on the number of attendees is always a smart choice.

Once the purchase is made, another fight is due. Since the buyer is the man, usually his family wants his name on the shabka receipt. But since the one who gets to keep the ring is the girl, her family wants her name on the receipt. While there’s a valid argument for both sides, the best solution is to have both names on it.  et