YOU CAN’T BE more royal than the king that was the message Minister of Culture Farouk Hosni sent his critics last month.

In many ways, his words ring absolutely true. After all, we’ve never heard of Ramsis II complaining about his crowded neighborhood. In fact, rumor has it the down-to-earth king loves the company. And if you’re wondering about the pollution he has been exposed to for the last 50 years, it’s no secret Ramsis has become so addicted to the fumes belching from the cars and minibuses that the first thing he asks for in the morning is his daily fix.

A place that the king can call home has been the subject of debate for years. Should he move back to Meet Raheena, his original home? Or find more sumptuous new digs at the Grand Egyptian Museum (GEM) planned for the Giza Plateau?

At a press conference last month, Hosni announced that the decision on where Ramsis would rest would be delayed at least another year until the opening of the GEM draws closer.

“If he has survived 50 years in the midan, it won’t hurt him if we make it 51, will it? Besides, it doesn’t make sense to move him to his homeland in Meet Raheena, then transfer him in a year’s time to the new museum, particularly when it’s no easy feat to move him,” the minister said.

As Hosni went on to describe in precise detail the technique that would be used to move the king, critics declared it was time to “have mercy on the king.”

“Why do they make it sound so complicated?” one columnist demanded. “If they managed 50 years ago to put him where he is now, would it be more difficult today? Maybe they should strap him into a parachute and, well, “X” marks the spot.”

As members of a more recent royal family can tell you, uncertainty and debate are the price you pay for having “former king” engraved on your national ID card.

If state officials are a little sketchy about how they plan to save Ramsis II, at least they’re clear on how they plan to save another king’s palace.

Minister of Housing and Urban Development Ibrahim Suleiman declared war on apathy last month as he came to the rescue of Heliopolis’ Baron Palace just in time for the district’s centennial celebration. The architecturally unique palace it resembles nothing so much as a Cambodian temple has been neglected for nearly a half century, with activists’ pleas that it be restored falling on consistently deaf ears.

What brought the dead issue back to life? It seems First Lady Suzanne Mubarak personally asked Suleiman to wave his magic wand and do something about the palace ahead of the upcoming anniversary celebrations (celebrations, we note, that she is spearheading).

That did the trick, it seems: In no time flat, Suleiman announced his ministry had purchased the palace from its Saudi and Syrian owners, swapping them undeveloped land in New Cairo in return. It wasn’t a bad deal for the previous owners given that the Supreme Council for Antiquities had declared it a historical monument, preventing any development on the site.

Suleiman has since ordered a committee of senior staffers from the ministries of housing and culture to work around the clock on the palace in a bid to restore the architectural jewel’s shine before May’s celebrations.

“Will you have enough time to give it a proper facelift after so much serious neglect left it a disaster?” one questioner asked. “Just give us a month and a half, no problem,” Suleiman answered with a smile.

Salah Diab, head of the National Architects’ Association, begs to differ, likening the process of restoring a monument like the Baron Palace to a physician’s job of diagnosing a patient: “You need to look beyond the symptoms to find the cause of the disease.”

We’re optimistic, though. In fact, how about holding a celebration for Ramsis II so his statue gets the same attention? et